OH, MOMMA!!!! IF ONLY !!!! Those two words If Only play a part in our lives on a daily basis, at least for me they do. If Only this had happened, If Only this had not happened how differently our lives would have been. So we think! Things were meant to happen for a reason is so ingrained into our brains that sometimes we always think that phrase If Only could have changed our circumstances in life. THE LOUSE However we do have to live with the choices, decisions and mistakes we make along the way on this our path, our journey of life. Sometimes along this journey we get lost, we get taken for granted, we are used, abused, bamboozled. completely perplexed, worst of all we are made the fool, a lot of the times through no fault of our own so blindsided that you cannot determine the truth between the lies, fact or fiction which is it? And so some of these mistakes are extremely hard lessons learned, wondering how could I have let that one slip by me ? Momma had 4 sisters and 6 brothers in her family, her and her sisters were very close, mom had a small circle of lady friends but her sisters were her circle of life, they always watched out for each other and were always there for each other. Thinking back I think all but one of her sisters had major issues in the marriage department of their lives, They kept a keen eye on Auntie Lou, she was the fourth sister and the single one, their baby sister Auntie Flo was just beginning her teen years when i was young. They would always keep watch on Auntie Lou's dates, the men in her life. I remember momma always telling her to be careful to watch out for those "dirty low down men" which she called a LOUSE all the sisters used that term to warn Auntie Lou about them. I had asked mom what a louse was and as for mom she told me to go look it up in the " Funk and Wagnell". In case you don't know that is a dictionary i believe the cheaper version of "Webster's Dictionary" momma always had us kids looking up meanings of names in that book, it was used more than a bible was in our home, I now think she did not know more than half the words us kids brought forth to her so she learned along with us, I mean the woman only had an 8th grade education although later on in life she did earn her GED. The meaning i perceived of the word LOUSE= a small flat wiggleless insect with sucking mouth parts. OH BOY ! did her and my aunties get a kick out of that one, i suggested if poor Auntie Lou came across one just to step on it and smash the life out of it. Needless to say i did not know that the word LOUSE had a slang term to it also, that slang meaning was LOUSE= mean, unpleasant, obnoxious, lazy ass, destroyer, skunk, and last but not least someone who sucks the life out of you. They always proclaimed how a lot of the men in there lives be it family, friends, acquaintances were nothing but Louse's. I can always remember when her and dad would fight that was her fav saying for him "You dirty Louse" the aunties used it quite a bit in their homes too. So throughout my childhood I was always on the lookout for the LOUSE, I would always ask momma how to spot one she said to keep an eye out for them, be observant, asking her if so and so was a Louse or this one or that one sometimes she would say " Oh no he is a good man" how do you know momma? Her answer-"Notice how good he treats the women in his life, his wife, his girlfriend, his mother, his family most of the time you can tell who the good ones are, you have to use your own judgement in this matter." OH MOMMA IF ONLY! As i grew into adulthood the term LOUSE somehow got tucked away somewhere in the back of my mind, Compartmentalized, I never really thought of the word throughout the years, never really encountered the use for the word. Life went on and on and the word never came across my mind, until recently it harshly came out its hiding spot and showed up in my life in true form. OH MOMMA! IF ONLY!! I believe I come from a line of Great Strong Women in my life, WE are "Tough Broads" Women Warriors" we wore our armour and shields proudly, sure sometimes our guards were down as were our shields but we rose like the phoenix and polished our shields so they would shine with a brightness that would blind others we always came back better than ever. All the pain and suffering we endured in our lives we overcame and came back with lessons learned and a new toughness to add to our future endeavors, but OH MOMMA, IF ONLY !!!! Life went on for me, I married my high school sweetheart the only man I had ever had in my life my only lover, my soulmate, my all. Of course nothing lasts forever and my life was shattered in June of 2019 when he was taken from me by the one thing him nor i could conquer- cancer, We endured a lot in our over 50 years together a good marriage, a wonderful son, good times and bad but we struggled and made it through but that struggle we encountered did us both in. Thank God his suffering ended but mine had just begun OH MOMMA IF ONLY ! My warrior days came to an end for the next four years, the pain,the utmost heartbreak, the suffering, the fear, the loneliness and yes pure agony, its so odd to me how life can betray us like that yet keep us going on. I kept thinking to myself how my momma and my aunties had all gone thru this too and yet they survived I knew I had to pull from their strength to continue to go on and I did, I am so glad I had their influences, their courage to draw from they gave me these weapons throughout my life to fall back on. I still let them guide me thru my dark days. Then he came along, it was August of 2023, i met him online in a group i belong to on facebook the "i grew up in such and such place"one. We became friends on Facebook and then eventually went into instant messaging. Believe me I did my due dilligence and vetted this man out, After all I am a fan of the series "Catfished"and a senior woman has to be careful and i researched like you wouldn't believe. Unfortunately on my part I also took all those red flags and painted them green but eventually that paint started to flake off bit by bit slowly but surely. By this time i was also in the grieving stage of my life called "Widows Fire" another research project i devoured, if you don't know what that is you can look it up in your " Funk and Wagnell" I doubt if you'll find it there but I found out about this curse through GOOGLE and YOUTUBE very interesting. After about a month and a half we agreed to meet for lunch at which time i found out he was married. but of course !! and of course there were extenuating circumstances. He said he would never leave his wife and I respected that, actually I was kind of glad that would never happen. I knew in my heart of hearts that I did not want any type of relationship that would lead to marriage, all i was looking for was companionship to a certain degree, no involvement of falling in love, just friendship someone to go out to dinner with once in awhile, a date here and there and if something intimate came along it would be discussed thourougly something where we could respect each others boundaries. As far as the marriage part on his end i knew it was wrong, from the way I was raised it wasn't right but then again i wasn't against the idea either, the loneliness was getting to become unbearable, those were my thoughts in the beginning, so lo and behold i became the mistress, the sidechick. Just a casual affair with no strings attached. Oddly enough at this time it didn't bother me, after all i am a grown woman and have made my own decisions for the last four years be it right or wrong. OH MOMMA!! IF ONLY! My advice is never start a relationship when you are vulnerable, naive, or lonely. This was a new experience for me I did not know how to handle all these feelings and emotions that were thrown at me, totally lost and confused and no one to discuss this with after all i had to keep this affair quiet, others were involved that could be hurt. I was in a constant turmoil but all that would dissipate though when we were together. In the beginning it was absolutely wonderful, I will never go into details due to the fact that now I have to live with my own guilt and yes shame came into the picture too. This was just not me I was living in a fantasy world and i so enjoyed it while it lasted. I lived the next 21 months living the dream, the honeymoon stage was exactly that getting to know each other intimitely was beyond my wildest dreams, yes even as a senior it can happen, I went through the good, the bad, and the ugly stages of an affair. Things I expected to happen never did and things I didn't expect to happen did. Eventually my little green flags paint was quickly flaking away to the true red color, bit by bit, day by day, week by week. It was getting to the point where the cancellations were more than the meetings, Falling apart, withdrawing from each other was becoming too familiar, I would end it, restart it, end it again on and on and he always came back until I finally realized the only reason we stayed with each other was for the intimacy. I seemed to have forgotten that this was just a casual affair, it was until he told me he loved me, I disagreed and told him it was lust not love on both our parts. We kept moving along texting, not texting, blocking, ghosting I was getting so worn down I just couldn't let go, I did not want to lose that intimacy and go back to being alone but I also knew I couldn't do this anymore. OH MOMMA ! IF ONLY ! In March of 2025 he was diagnosed with cancer how ironic is this as my husband was diagnosed with cancer in March of 2019. Karma ? He would have to go through chemo and infusion treatments soon, we managed to get together before this would start and I told him maybe now was the time to end "us" I told him now was the time to be with his family he said he did not want us to end that now was the time he needed me more than ever and of course i stayed, I told him I would be waiting here for him. I would grow to regret this decision later on, I did not want to go through this again at this time in my life, everything he went through during this time came back to haunt me, reliving all the memories and old wounds of my husband's battle was eating away at me. He suffered loudly I suffered quietly but we kept going on. The texts were few and far between , he was sick, he was weak, he was tired and I was waiting at the sidelines, I guess there was some kind of love involved on my part but i didn't know for sure, I could not differentiate love between sympathy. OH MOMMA ! IF ONLY ! June of 2025 he was doing better he wanted to see me and the feeling was mutual, on June second the texts and sexting was back to normal, we were getting together the next day ! June 2 2025 him - good morning honey, how are you today ? me- doing good how ru feeling today, can't wait to see you today! Then nothing no answer no show nothing the whole day. 9pm that evening him-i'm okay good night. Well needless to say that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back !!!! Then to top it off I was blocked for two weeks !!! To use the word furious is mild compared to how I felt, no explanation, no accountability, during those two weeks of silence i was so outraged at the way I was treated there was nor will there ever be any type of acceptance for this type of treatment, I felt anger, shame, being punished for God only knows what ! OH MOMMA ! IF ONLY i knew that a wolf would be sent to prey upon me in sheep's clothing ! Well momma I have come to realize that your term for LOUSE back in the 50's and 60's is actually what they now term as a NARCISSIST ! Pure and simple meaning and you can't and will never change my mind on that one. Sure I was the foolish one in this escapade, he played me well too well i'm ashamed to admit !! Believe me I have lived and relived pondered and agonizied all the things that came into play while involved in this situation. The lovebombing, the manipulation, the gaslighting, the disrespect, the ghosting, the running cold, the excuses I could go on and on. So yes I was scammed, not monetarily but emotionally. Another thing that came into play is that I am an Empath one who takes on others burdens, pain, and sorrows and the narcissist preys upon these types of people . On June 14th he had the audacity to send me a meme stating that he missed and needed my kisses !! Not one word was sent with that text just a picture with words, well nitwit your supply has run out, I'm so proud of me for not responding to him. Sure he has been throwing breadcrumbs my way which i also will never acknowledge. I feel such relief and freedom for leaving this situation i had gotten myself into. After all I am a warrior !! I come from a long line of strong women and that is something I am so proud of !!!!! Revenge you may ask? Believe me the things that have gone thru my mind OH MOMMA! IF ONLY! I will do nothing of course I am hurting but I am used to that. I am just so stunned and shocked that another human can treat other humans like that with absolutely no care, no guilt no emotions on their part, Karma will come into play eventually for this Louse, and I hope it comes with a vengence, but then again with this type of person I think he will get away with it and come out smelling like a rose. Sometimes we live in such an unfair world! Now I have to start repairing my shield of armor, this time I will have it welded so there is no chance of another man trying to get to my heart it will be sealed til i leave this world, it will soon shine again with the brightness it once held and i will wear it with pride !!! OH MOMMA ! IF ONLY you could see me now !!!! Please my fellow readers be careful out there, I hope this brings some insight to someone who needs it, choose wisely !!!!!
Monday, July 14, 2025
THE LOUSE
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